I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
