I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
