It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
