I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
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I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
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Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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