so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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