I hate all girls vehemently.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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