we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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