do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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