I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
