thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
