so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
