Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
