Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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