Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize