I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
