barbara walters just said penis...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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