The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
