If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
