Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
