this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
