Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Walk of Shame today included voting.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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