Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
