Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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