will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
