He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
