his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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