Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
