phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
