Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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