I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
