We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
