I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
