i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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