dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
