Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
