I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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