dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
