I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
