sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
