so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
