The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
