...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
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we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
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I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
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