the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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