'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
