yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
