is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
barbara walters just said penis...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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