So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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