Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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