i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
