Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Randomize
