How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
