Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
