FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
