swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
