Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
