well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
