I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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