its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
