I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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