My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
