my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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