I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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